Ingress improvement ideas from Robert the Serious Siamese

by Robert the Serious Siamese

I have a suggestion to the Ingress game-makers: Add special powers to those players who manage to go beyond level 16.  Perhaps they would then forget all about frog-killing and/or smurf-chasing cats

Here are some ideas: Allow high level players to apply for a special position, an honour labelled "a Gandalf"

A Gandalf would be able to turn a certain number of enemy portals grey comfortably from their homes, only using the Ingress Intel map. This would be allowed at restricted time-periods of 2-3 days that would be announced in advance. 

I can already envision the frenzy of regular players preparing for these Gandalf periods.

Those players who have been good rechargers would receive a Hattivatti / Hattifnatt award, in the form of a super-charged power cube.

Walking and biking should be promoted more. If I could decide, using a private car for playing should be forbidden. 

But I know humans are better motivated with carrots than sticks -this is why cats manage to be loved pets. We are fierce predators but at home we look cute and are cuddly and we purr.

A special trekker reward (after 1000 km walked) could consist of an ergonomically designed light-weight back-pack with the following surprise items:

- ultrathin raincoat

- sunscreen

- sunglasses

- thermos flask
- amusing snacks

- a portable charger in your faction's colour.

Not everyone lives in an area where playing can be done by foot. The use of cars in the name of playing should be discouraged. For this there are two solutions:

1. Niantic Labs (the game creator) should accept suggested portals in areas that are not accessible by cars

2. There should be a reward for using public transport, with some nifty awards

These two ideas, when applied cleverly could actually make a difference. Imagine the couch potato, immune to health terrorist’s advice but driven by his gamer ambitions going for walks in forests and parks.

Even better: The business man who used to take his car to work would now choose the bus, tram, or train instead to be able to hack more portals on his journey and to receive the rare badge rewarded for public transport use.

If there really are 7 million players worldwide -and counting, then cities may just have to start improving the transportation services and there will be less pollution and waste of resources.

My Human mother is trying to help me on my mission “save the cats” by diverting the player’s minds. 

She submitted a portal called Froschenfresser (=frog-eater) to Niantic Labs and hopes for a fast approval. When people think of the stork (Ciconia ciconia) as the master frog eater, me and my brother Jacob and our feline friends can walk the streets safely again.

PS. I found the perfect vehicle for beginner greens:

Why it’s perfect? It is called a tadpole.

-Robert the Serious Siamese

Robert the Serious Siamese reports further on Ingress

by Robert the Serious Siamese

I must report something rather alarming going on in my neighbourhood.

I told you about the Ingress game my Human mother and my Human child started to play.

The teams are divided into greens (the Frogs) and blues (the Smurfs). Both groups communicate within their communities in closed forums, making strategies for the future and sharing tips and tricks.

A Smurf Lady mentioned in one of these forums that her cat eats frogs, just like my Brother Jacob does. 

Or to be precise, Jacob doesn't actually eat the frogs, he just brings them home as a trophy, to our Human mother's delight.

Anyway, a few days after this lady had mentioned her frog-eating cat, signs of missing cats popped up in the area where I live: 

Is this just a coincidence? 

I don't think so. I mean, they do claim it is not just a game.

I fear for my brother. Up until now, only Gargamel's cat Azrael was known to chase Smurfs. 

Now my species must fear attacks from both sides of Ingress players!

I hereby hope to reach out to a bigger audience through this blog: If you have a frog-eating/killing cat, do keep an eye on him/her. And if you spot any of the above missing cats, please report back as soon as possible according to the instructions.

The underlying problem may very well be that once a player reaches the higher levels, there is less challenge and more routine hard-work. 

This is how most games are designed; in the beginning you level up quickly and you are constantly rewarded. This is done to maintain the interest and in psychology it is called "positive reinforcement". 

Once you are hooked, there is less immediate reward as you are expected to go on just out of habit.

These very same tactics are used in the training of animals, children and employees. 

I will be back soon with some ideas to keep the gamer's happy and away from my precious species. 

In the meantime: Should you spot a cat that does not seem to belong, do call the local stray animal center (or don't -depending on where you live...). 

In Basel, you can safely call 061-378 78 10 (= number to

"Tierfundbüro des Tierschutz beider Basel"). 

Thank you.


-Robert the Serious Siamese

Robert on Ingress

By Robert the Serious Siamese

MyPerson and littlePerson started to play a game called Ingress with their mobile phones.

A simple Ingress explanation: There are two teams, enlightened (green) and resistance (blue). The greens wish to bring humans to a new level, using an alien energy called exotic matter that escaped from CERN in Geneva, Switzerland. The blues wish to protect human freedom. 

You play the game by walking outdoors with a mobile phone. The game is displayed as a map of the real world and in addition you see portals, from where this exotic matter is leaking out. The portals are actual, physical man-made things like sculptures, official buildings, parks or even graffiti. 

The idea is to capture portals and link them to build fields. By hacking portals (your own or the enemy's) you receive stuff that can be used in the game, such as weapons to destroy enemy portals. 

MyPerson was thrilled when she got something rare called a Jarvis Virus. But she is a humble Level 3 player so she might overreact.

As a cat, I would join the resistance; I do not wish humans become enlightened. It could be disastrous to my ruling feline race.

Ingress is fun for a dog owner, or for someone who wants to spend time walking outdoors and for anyone who wishes to meet new people, because few things make people bond better than a common enemy. 

Most cities have local clubs that organize Ingress meetings. MyPerson was invited to a welcome meeting but she couldn't go because my brother Jacob had injured his leg on that day. 

If you see a group of people, all with their phones drawn, tapping their screens and whispering to each other you can bet they're Ingress players. Or you may see a loner doing the same minus the whispering with a smug on look on his face, perhaps suspiciously looking for others walking with their phones held high. In fact, many Ingress players have been questioned by the police due to odd behaviour at odd times in odd areas.

At first I thought Google would benefit from learning more about various locations and people's movements. They receive photographs from places that are not accessible by car, as players suggest new portals and so Ingress turns each player into a data collector for Google. Ingress is GPS driven and this is draining the phone battery. Good business for battery booster manufacturers.

Us pets are experts on human behaviour, we study them around the clock. 

Human consciousness, that they are so proud of, is but a thin layer of the mind. Humans believe they control their own actions in a conscious and rational way. This is an illusion. And this is also the reason why it is more helpful to observe behaviour than to conduct interviews when wanting to understand people.

No doubt Google is getting some interesting data about human behaviour through this game. Hope they use it wisely.

Then again, perhaps it isn't just a game...

-Robert the Serious Siamese

Robert's scary 24 hours - Stuck in a garage

By Robert the Serious Siamese

Now that the sun will disappear in less than a month and no-one can guarantee to 100% it will come back, I'm going to share my personal close-to-death experience.

I nearly died right after Christmas. 

MyPerson had decided the family needed some sun so they took off on vacation. My brother Jacob and I always go on full alert when bags are being packed and people race around the house searching for odd items. This is our moment; We get to sneak into rare cupboards and even into the bags. One day we are going on holiday, too!

After myPerson had double- and triple checked that Jacob and I were safe and where she wanted us to be 

(= "sleeping" on the bed),  everyone got into the taxi but then the "man of the house" shouted "STOP!"- because he had to go and fetch something he'd forgotten. While he got his wallet and passport he also decided to check if the lights had been switched off from the garage. I used the opportunity to sneak in. The garage is a cool place.

But then there I was -stuck in the garage with no food and no water, and it was cool as in freezing. Luckily I found a spot where I could safely pee. I don't think it even smelled too bad.

Hungry, thirsty and scared I curled up and counted seconds. There are many, many seconds in 24 hours. My Humans always have a cat- and house-sitter when they go away and the woman appointed to this task rescued me. I shall love her forever. 

Interestingly -this episode brought into light a new feature in me. You may have heard of crystal children. They usually have blue eyes, are very wise and often mislabeled with ADHD/ADD. Well, I am all of the above and in addition I freaking pee crystals. Look at this:

This makes me not just a Moon Diamond Cat (which is something we Siamese inherit by default) but also a Crystal Cat. I will however bring this up next time we go see my vet, just in case it is a sign of a serious kidney disease.

The "man of the house" did not go berserk after I peed in his toolbox because myPerson was nearly in tears of the thought I could have died in that garage. 

And all tools are super-clean now. 

So there is always a silver-lining to all scary or even sticky stories - so I shall believe the sun will return after the eclipse. 

In the end, everyone's happy. And the new tool box is really neat. 

but there's no pee hole so next time I'll just use the sink.

- Robert the Serious Siamese

Cat Science Day -Robert's reflections

By Robert the Serious Siamese

My brother Jacob and I decided to have  a science day.

First we tried to do the Schrödinger's cat experiment, but Jacob was too fat to fit into the box.

Any cat owner can attest to the feline obsession with boxes, and we might have Mr. Nobelist Schrödinger to thank for that. 

My special salute goes to myPerson's 2nd best artist -the Oatmeal. He nailed it.

Jacob and I have made several box attempts before

-but we never managed to be dead AND alive -until someone had a look into the box (which was Schrödinger's point, as far as I've understood). 

I'm suspicious about this whole thing, although Schrödinger is constantly referenced in today's science literature and he was a Nobel Prize winner.

My two concerns with the cat example are the following:

1) a cat in itself is an observer, and a much more vigilant observer than most humans,

2) a cat is too big.

I don't know how much too big a cat is, apparently a virus is small enough. Hope to try it out on a mouse one day. Quite obviously I shall name the experiment "Robert's mouse". 

I might need the help of myPerson as for sure I will know if a mouse in a box is alive or dead, no matter how still it is, without peeking; because I can hear ultrasounds. MyPerson can't.

These are tricky things, the smartest people in the world are still working on making quantum physics (how tiny stuff behave) to work together with Einstein's relativity theory (how big stuff behave). Common sense and observation (using normal senses - "normal" as in cat or human, and any human built instruments) just isn't sufficient.

Apparently gravity poses a problem -or perhaps it will be the answer, knotting the two worlds together and creating the Theory of All.

Well, my brother Jacob and I decided to go back to basics and do some Newtonian gravity experiments. We tossed down a couple of objects of various weight and shape. 

MyPerson was writing her no-tossing blog so it was kinda hilarious. 

Then, one object hit her and she called us down.

We were just following the Heisenberg principle (-or that's what we tried to claim, hoping she'd go for it...but of course gravity is gravity...muahahaha, probably this is why some people think we cats are sneaky). An evil cat might claim we were plotting to kill her and make it look like a quantum suicide.

But we still claim we had no way of knowing it'd hit her that hard, so I think she's being unfair claiming we hurt her on purpose.

Well, she did apologize afterwards. She only realized in hindsight how clever we were, doing the box trick and falling objects testing while she was reading and pondering about a book written by a famous Finnish astronomer, Esko Valtaoja. 

In fact, Jacob and I were expressing synchronicity -because we obviously can have no clue about what she's reading. 

Cats can't read and they can't see other colours than some blue, a bit of yellow and many Shades of Grey (no pun intended -we're both castrated).

In the end, we were no wiser. Actually the more experiments we did, the more questions we had. But that's the very nature of science!

-Robert the Serious Siamese

PS. If you don't like my stories, you can always read my brother Jacob's book. 

Robert the Serious Siamese on reincarnation

By Robert the Serious Siamese

MyPerson saw a text about virgin birth and shared it on Facebook with the text "So Jesus must have been a girl unless Virgin Mary had a Y chromosome up her sleeve"

Then she felt guilty, asking herself who is she to mock religion. But she then decided it may as well be understood as mocking science so all is well again.

MyPerson is philosophically a live-and-let-die kind of type, her motto in life is :

The topic made me think about re-birth. Seems most children automatically assume reincarnation as a fact of life, until -depending on which culture they grow up in- this thought is either enforced or weeded out.

I'm a killer and I kill for fun. I believe myself to accelerate reincarnation.

Say you have a fruit-fly and his leading his fruit-fly life in a good way, so is reborn as a horse. Now he also leads a good horsely life, being a friendly horse, perhaps even communicating by Morse. 

So he is reborn as a human and so on.

Now I'm wondering if there are ever any new souls born? I mean, if every soul is recycled. And if so, they must all have been there from the start, right? Or can they at times be split in half? This could explain some psychiatric illnesses.

We cats are ever only re-born as cats, because we are the CATalysators of the process.

-Robert the Serious Siamese